I love those moments…

I know it's Father's Day, happy Father's Day dad!!! Love you, but this is what came to mind today!

You know those little moments when something you hear, or something you smell or see brings back memories?  That happened this morning! I love that, well, especially when they are good memories.

This morning I was walking out to feed our chickens and the sweet smell of the air, the height of the sun in the sky, the temperature, reminded me of when I was about 13 and would ride my bike to swimming lessons in June.

I remember it being SO cold and not wanting to get in the water.  I would even wear a sweatshirt when I was riding over in the morning.  I remember complaining in my head at first about having to ride my bike because it was SO far and cold (It wasn't).  But I also remember enjoying the quiet.  I didn't realize then how much I needed that solitude, and quiet.

I realize that I need that quiet stillness so much more now.  Maybe it's the chaos of my crazy life of homeschooling 4 kids, and church, and yard work, and the list goes on and on that make that need so apparent (and yes 2 of those children were just trying to kill each other as I was writing this.  Isn't it ironic, don't you think?).  I think that time for reflection is so crucial.

About 5 years ago we moved 45 minutes out of town onto 8 acres of land.  At first it was a very difficult adjustment.  I missed the grocery store being around the corner, well 3 grocery stores.   I missed close friends that understandably weren't willing to make the long trek to come see us.  I missed the activities my kids would only be able to fully participate in if we lived in closer proximity.  There were and sometimes still are days I hate the drive, but as with everything there are positives and negatives.

There are days when I love the drive because it gives me time to contemplate, and pray.  Every day I love to be able to see the sunrise and watch the sunset and bask in the glory of all that God has created.  It's quiet where I live (unless my kids are trying to kill each other).  I can go outside, and find stillness.  I can find peace when I need it most.  Now I crave the peace and serenity that I find only on our 8 acres.  I love that I can go out on a beautiful spring morning and have that same quiet happiness that I had while riding my bike to swimming lessons as a kid!! It's wonderful!  go find some peace today

I don't like vulnerability.  I recently read a book about embracing vulnerability and the point was made in the book that when we see other people in a vulnerable state, we often feel empathy, love, and other such positive emotions towards those people.  However, when we ourselves are vulnerable, we associate feelings of apprehension, weakness, etc.  Noticing that has helped, but has by no means cured me of those feelings I have of being vulnerable.

I am LDS and in the LDS faith most are given assignments, or callings wherein to serve.  I recently was issued a new calling as a leader over the girls ages 12-18.  I haven't felt this out of place in a long time.  I feel very vulnerable.   The callings are given as a way to serve our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but right now I'm left questioning, how to best serve God when I'm asked to do it by serving  these girls that will barely look at or speak to me.

Tonight I came home, on the verge of tears, again, wondering if this all wasn't some big mistake.  Before I had been working with the children, and they are so open and generous with, well, everything.  This is so opposite.  While upending couches tonight in search of a lost library book, I was praying and thinking about the why.  Was this all a mistake?  Someone else would do this a lot better than me.  I don't understand what I have to offer. Why do I have to struggle?  Why in this way? Why was I asked to serve in this capacity?

The thought that came to me was one my mother has often shared.  It is this:

It is sometimes hard to remember that God is in charge.  It is sometimes easier to cry and ask why.  It is easy to see that we are being cut down, but not always easy to see that He knows what we can become and is simply trying to help us on that path.  Sometimes we struggle to understand the reason.  The thing is, if I try my best then I will be able to meet God's expectations of me, even if someone might do it better.  Even if the girls don't talk to me or even look at me.  I can please God by trying to do my best to serve Him by serving them.

The Joy of the Sabbath!

Today I felt so grateful for Sunday. I love that I have a day set apart to set aside my worries and cares and reflect on my spirituality and my eternal journey. I love church and worshipping and discussing spiritual matters with others. Today I felt enlightened by the talks shared by my peers and the music played. I enjoy getting to know and interacting with others in my church congregation.

Overall, I love that Sunday restores balance to my life. Each Sunday, I have tried to better ponder my spiritual progress and ask the Lord, what I need to change in my life as I take the sacrament. I am grateful to receive personal revelation from a loving tutor. This talk by Larry R. Lawrence explains it well, and I quote from it: 

The Holy Ghost doesn’t tell us to improve everything at once. If He did, we would become discouraged and give up. The Spirit works with us at our own speed, one step at a time, or as the Lord has taught, “line upon line, precept upon precept, … and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, … for unto him that receiveth I will give more.”⁶ For example, if the Holy Ghost has been prompting you to say “thank you” more often, and you respond to that prompting, then He may feel it’s time for you to move on to something more challenging—like learning to say, “I’m sorry; that was my fault." 

A perfect time to ask, “What lack I yet?” is when we take the sacrament. The Apostle Paul taught that this is a time for each of us to examine ourselves.⁷ In this reverent atmosphere, as our thoughts are turned heavenward, the Lord can gently tell us what we need to work on next.

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Let me be obvious and comment: A new year is upon us! I believe this new year will be a good one. Me, I'll be paying off student loans, completing my fellowship and getting licensed as a SLP, and maybe dating some ;).

A new year is a new start, and a time to set goals to become better and perhaps it is a time to dig up last year's resolutions, dust them off, and try again. My mission president, and a friend of mine said in this conference address:

Our youngest grandson illustrates the first principle [of becoming like a child]. After learning to crawl and then stand, he was ready to try walking. During his first few attempts, he fell, cried,and gave a look that said, “I will never—ever—try that again! I’m simply going to keep crawling.”
When he stumbled and fell, his loving parents did not feel that he was hopeless or that he would never walk.Instead they held out their arms while calling to him,and with his eyes on them, he tried again to move toward their loving embrace.
Loving parents are always ready with outstretched arms to welcome even our smallest step in the right direction. They know that our willingness to try and try again will lead to progress and success.

Our Father in Heaven rejoices in each faithful step, and if we fall, He rejoices each time we get back up and try again. Let's not get discouraged when we fall short of what we are trying to be/achieve, but keep trying, continuing to believe that, with Christ's help, we will one day get there.

My New Year's resolutions include some goals that I've tried before and failed. But, I'm going to try again!

1. Read the scriptures (particularly the Book of Mormon) every day, any amount of length, any time of the day, just read some every day
2. Attend the Temple at least once a month
3. Pay off half of my student loans by the end of the year
4. Exercise/move in some capacity that challenges me (something new, perhaps, like yoga) at least twice weekly
5. Make a new friend with someone who is of a different faith. So often, I make friends through church, but I would like to expand my friendship circle some.

Now that I've shared them here, I'm perhaps a bit more accountable.

Happy New Year!

Learn to laugh, it will extend your life and make the lives of those around you more enjoyable

On Friday, my dad had come by a couple of tickets to the Boise State football game. It was cold, and the Broncs just weren't performing like we expect them to, but we had a grand ol' time anyway! I love being with my dad because he almost always can find the humor or fun in situations. In fact, I love the example that both my parents have set for me in laughing through life's difficulties or while working together.

Former apostle, Joseph B. Wirthlin once counseled us to learn to laugh. Following is an excerpt from this talk:

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness. 

Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial. I would like to share them with you. 

The first thing we can do is learn to laugh. Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim?
There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh. 

I remember when one of our daughters went on a blind date. She was all dressed up and waiting for her date to arrive when the doorbell rang. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children; then she put on her coat and went out the door. We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house. The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife. 

We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now, I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed. But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.
The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

I love having my family with whom I can laugh even when It's cold and the broncs are playing terribly. Anytime with my family is a good time. I am so grateful to know that I can be with them forever. 

Cry unto Him over the flocks of your fields

Last week I ponderized (a combination of memorize and ponder) a passage of scripture from the Book of Mormon in Alma verses 17-27 that instructs all to continually pray. And in continuous prayer, we all should pray over our households and over the crops and flocks of your fields, among other things. I don't have any literal crops or flocks, but I am a new therapist working with a variety of clients who depend on me to help them improve their communication abilities.

Well, it just so happens that I had a child on my caseload who seemed to be at a language level that was appropriate for his age, so naturally, I should discharge him. I don't know why, but I was really stressed about it. The thought came to my mind, "he is part of your flock--pray about it." So I did. What a profound thought (at least to me)! To take tough decisions about my caseload to the Lord in prayer. I did just that, and well, I felt a confidence that I was doing the right thing and with that confidence, I went forward with my decision. During the meeting his mother told me that just that morning this sweet first grader had said, "Mom, I don't think I need to go to speech anymore." And he was right :). What a comfort to know that I have God as my personal work assistant when I really need Him. He cares about the details of our lives.

Mourn With Those Who Mourn

Yesterday was a normal day for me, I woke up, got the kids breakfast, we did our school lessons, piano practice, I even got some cleaning done.  I was busy with the day to day of my life.  That same evening I was participating in a community music event as part of a community choir, the point was to give thanks to God and to collect food for different community outreach programs.  I had no idea what was going on in Paris.

I picked up a couple friends and one asked if we had heard what happened in Paris.  Nope!  I hadn't a clue.  She went on to tell me about the terrorist attacks.  My stomach dropped.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing, didn't want to believe what I was hearing.  Once we got to the church, where we were performing, I looked it up on my phone.  I read the headlines in shock.  Ugh!  Why is this happening again?

As I sang and listened to songs of thanksgiving, tears filled my eyes thinking of those in Paris.  And I write this as much for me as for anyone else who might read it.

I mourn for those who were taken in such a brutal way.  I mourn for those who lost loved ones.  I mourn for those who had to witness these horrors.  I wish we could make sense of it, but we just never will.  It will never make sense for people to treat other people inhumanely.

Every time a tragedy, such as this, happens I am reminded of an experience I had on my mission while serving an 18 month mission for my church.  This experience is one I hold close to my heart, and is one I think of often, because of the peace that I felt.  And is an experience that I hope may help someone else who may be struggling with recent events.

I served my mission in the Washington D.C. South mission, which took in most of Northern Virginia. I met people from all around the world--I kept track, and I met, taught, and served people from 87 different countries.  I really loved the people I met and loved listening to their stories and learning all about their culture.  I loved trying their food and learning how to say hello (which I rarely ever said correctly, but they were patient with me).  I truly loved being with all the different people I met, from all walks of life. It has continued to enrich my life today.

I had only been a missionary for a handful of months when my companion and I were knocking on doors to try to meet new people.  No one was home.  We kept knocking.  Still no one was home, still we kept knocking.  Finally a door opened.  It was a man, who was probably in his 40s.  He had recently immigrated to the U.S. as a refugee.  His home country was at war and he had lost family members in the fight.  He seemed broken down and weary.  We talked to him about why we were there, which was to teach people about Jesus Christ.  He stopped us and posed us this question, "Why?"

"Why, what,?" was my super elegant response.  He continued, "why do people keep hurting each other, why is there so much war, why do we keep losing are loved ones in these wars that don't solve anything."  He continued like this for a bit.  I didn't know what to say.  My companion and I stumbled around for words that might bring some comfort.  Then I decided to look for the words from God.

I turned to the scriptures.  In the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, there is a book called Alma.  Throughout the book there are a lot of wars and contentions.  That is where I started to look, nothing was working, anything we said or shared was not soothing his soul, until I flipped to the end.

I will give you some background as to what is going on here, to help with the context.  There had been a war that been raging for many years.  The leader of the army on the good side (Nephites) was writing a letter to the Chief Judge because the army had not been receiving the support it needed to sustain the troops.  The soldiers were tired and worn down, and the army leader was not happy with their circumstances.  The army leader sends a scathing letter to the Chief Judge.  In this letter there is a verse of scripture that reads:
"For the Lord suffereth the righteous to be slain that his justice and judgment may come upon the wicked; therefore ye need not suppose that the righteous are lost because they are slain; but behold, they do enter into the rest of the Lord their God."  Alma 60:13      

After probably 15-20 minutes of trying to comfort this man, this was the verse of scripture that calmed his troubled heart.  After I read this to him, he stopped and looked at us and said "okay."  I know I was led to this scripture by the Holy Ghost.  And since this experience I have often thought back on this particular scripture.  I have it marked in my scriptures and I often turn to it when I need understanding in tragedy.  I read it when I heard about Columbine, again on 9/11, and many other times.  It brings me comfort too.  Because there is no understanding this kind of brutality, but understanding that God has a plan, and that ultimately he is the judge does give me a sense of peace. Not that it takes away my sorrow or heartache.  I still mourn the loss of these people.  I still find it a tragedy, but it helps me remember God's plan and that this life is not the end.  

I know that God lives, that He loves us, and He is welcoming those lost in this tragedy into His arms. May we all feel God's love at this time and let us use this tragedy to help spread love, peace, and the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world.  May we all remember to do as He taught and love one another.