I don't like vulnerability.  I recently read a book about embracing vulnerability and the point was made in the book that when we see other people in a vulnerable state, we often feel empathy, love, and other such positive emotions towards those people.  However, when we ourselves are vulnerable, we associate feelings of apprehension, weakness, etc.  Noticing that has helped, but has by no means cured me of those feelings I have of being vulnerable.

I am LDS and in the LDS faith most are given assignments, or callings wherein to serve.  I recently was issued a new calling as a leader over the girls ages 12-18.  I haven't felt this out of place in a long time.  I feel very vulnerable.   The callings are given as a way to serve our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but right now I'm left questioning, how to best serve God when I'm asked to do it by serving  these girls that will barely look at or speak to me.

Tonight I came home, on the verge of tears, again, wondering if this all wasn't some big mistake.  Before I had been working with the children, and they are so open and generous with, well, everything.  This is so opposite.  While upending couches tonight in search of a lost library book, I was praying and thinking about the why.  Was this all a mistake?  Someone else would do this a lot better than me.  I don't understand what I have to offer. Why do I have to struggle?  Why in this way? Why was I asked to serve in this capacity?

The thought that came to me was one my mother has often shared.  It is this:

It is sometimes hard to remember that God is in charge.  It is sometimes easier to cry and ask why.  It is easy to see that we are being cut down, but not always easy to see that He knows what we can become and is simply trying to help us on that path.  Sometimes we struggle to understand the reason.  The thing is, if I try my best then I will be able to meet God's expectations of me, even if someone might do it better.  Even if the girls don't talk to me or even look at me.  I can please God by trying to do my best to serve Him by serving them.

The Joy of the Sabbath!

Today I felt so grateful for Sunday. I love that I have a day set apart to set aside my worries and cares and reflect on my spirituality and my eternal journey. I love church and worshipping and discussing spiritual matters with others. Today I felt enlightened by the talks shared by my peers and the music played. I enjoy getting to know and interacting with others in my church congregation.

Overall, I love that Sunday restores balance to my life. Each Sunday, I have tried to better ponder my spiritual progress and ask the Lord, what I need to change in my life as I take the sacrament. I am grateful to receive personal revelation from a loving tutor. This talk by Larry R. Lawrence explains it well, and I quote from it: 

The Holy Ghost doesn’t tell us to improve everything at once. If He did, we would become discouraged and give up. The Spirit works with us at our own speed, one step at a time, or as the Lord has taught, “line upon line, precept upon precept, … and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, … for unto him that receiveth I will give more.”⁶ For example, if the Holy Ghost has been prompting you to say “thank you” more often, and you respond to that prompting, then He may feel it’s time for you to move on to something more challenging—like learning to say, “I’m sorry; that was my fault." 

A perfect time to ask, “What lack I yet?” is when we take the sacrament. The Apostle Paul taught that this is a time for each of us to examine ourselves.⁷ In this reverent atmosphere, as our thoughts are turned heavenward, the Lord can gently tell us what we need to work on next.

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Let me be obvious and comment: A new year is upon us! I believe this new year will be a good one. Me, I'll be paying off student loans, completing my fellowship and getting licensed as a SLP, and maybe dating some ;).

A new year is a new start, and a time to set goals to become better and perhaps it is a time to dig up last year's resolutions, dust them off, and try again. My mission president, and a friend of mine said in this conference address:

Our youngest grandson illustrates the first principle [of becoming like a child]. After learning to crawl and then stand, he was ready to try walking. During his first few attempts, he fell, cried,and gave a look that said, “I will never—ever—try that again! I’m simply going to keep crawling.”
When he stumbled and fell, his loving parents did not feel that he was hopeless or that he would never walk.Instead they held out their arms while calling to him,and with his eyes on them, he tried again to move toward their loving embrace.
Loving parents are always ready with outstretched arms to welcome even our smallest step in the right direction. They know that our willingness to try and try again will lead to progress and success.

Our Father in Heaven rejoices in each faithful step, and if we fall, He rejoices each time we get back up and try again. Let's not get discouraged when we fall short of what we are trying to be/achieve, but keep trying, continuing to believe that, with Christ's help, we will one day get there.

My New Year's resolutions include some goals that I've tried before and failed. But, I'm going to try again!

1. Read the scriptures (particularly the Book of Mormon) every day, any amount of length, any time of the day, just read some every day
2. Attend the Temple at least once a month
3. Pay off half of my student loans by the end of the year
4. Exercise/move in some capacity that challenges me (something new, perhaps, like yoga) at least twice weekly
5. Make a new friend with someone who is of a different faith. So often, I make friends through church, but I would like to expand my friendship circle some.

Now that I've shared them here, I'm perhaps a bit more accountable.

Happy New Year!