I don't like vulnerability. I recently read a book about embracing vulnerability and the point was made in the book that when we see other people in a vulnerable state, we often feel empathy, love, and other such positive emotions towards those people. However, when we ourselves are vulnerable, we associate feelings of apprehension, weakness, etc. Noticing that has helped, but has by no means cured me of those feelings I have of being vulnerable.
I am LDS and in the LDS faith most are given assignments, or callings wherein to serve. I recently was issued a new calling as a leader over the girls ages 12-18. I haven't felt this out of place in a long time. I feel very vulnerable. The callings are given as a way to serve our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but right now I'm left questioning, how to best serve God when I'm asked to do it by serving these girls that will barely look at or speak to me.
Tonight I came home, on the verge of tears, again, wondering if this all wasn't some big mistake. Before I had been working with the children, and they are so open and generous with, well, everything. This is so opposite. While upending couches tonight in search of a lost library book, I was praying and thinking about the why. Was this all a mistake? Someone else would do this a lot better than me. I don't understand what I have to offer. Why do I have to struggle? Why in this way? Why was I asked to serve in this capacity?
The thought that came to me was one my mother has often shared. It is this:
It is sometimes hard to remember that God is in charge. It is sometimes easier to cry and ask why. It is easy to see that we are being cut down, but not always easy to see that He knows what we can become and is simply trying to help us on that path. Sometimes we struggle to understand the reason. The thing is, if I try my best then I will be able to meet God's expectations of me, even if someone might do it better. Even if the girls don't talk to me or even look at me. I can please God by trying to do my best to serve Him by serving them.
I am LDS and in the LDS faith most are given assignments, or callings wherein to serve. I recently was issued a new calling as a leader over the girls ages 12-18. I haven't felt this out of place in a long time. I feel very vulnerable. The callings are given as a way to serve our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but right now I'm left questioning, how to best serve God when I'm asked to do it by serving these girls that will barely look at or speak to me.
Tonight I came home, on the verge of tears, again, wondering if this all wasn't some big mistake. Before I had been working with the children, and they are so open and generous with, well, everything. This is so opposite. While upending couches tonight in search of a lost library book, I was praying and thinking about the why. Was this all a mistake? Someone else would do this a lot better than me. I don't understand what I have to offer. Why do I have to struggle? Why in this way? Why was I asked to serve in this capacity?
The thought that came to me was one my mother has often shared. It is this:
It is sometimes hard to remember that God is in charge. It is sometimes easier to cry and ask why. It is easy to see that we are being cut down, but not always easy to see that He knows what we can become and is simply trying to help us on that path. Sometimes we struggle to understand the reason. The thing is, if I try my best then I will be able to meet God's expectations of me, even if someone might do it better. Even if the girls don't talk to me or even look at me. I can please God by trying to do my best to serve Him by serving them.
